the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just pee around me
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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