His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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