Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
