The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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