my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i will never coherently bang her
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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