Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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