this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
