i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
