which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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