im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
