I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
