she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
