It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
