Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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