you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Randomize
