I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
