I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
