Cold hands, warm shart.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
