he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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