If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
