It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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