I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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