She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
