I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
