my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
