But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
