just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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