I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
