this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
