I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
