I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
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