he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
