He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
