youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
