I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
