im holly from the hills drunk
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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