Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
