Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
We were destined to go to rehab together
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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