Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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