She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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