He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
