new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
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