If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
