My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
