What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I didn't notice because vodka
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
