It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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