I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize