Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Randomize
