She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
BRING THE BAGELS
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
