dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
