The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
