It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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