i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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