new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
