im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
