He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
