I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
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