i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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