Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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