even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
