Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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